One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer?"

She said "Yes.""

OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.

_____________________________________________________________________

Try saying these 10 times fast...

Caution Golfers Crossing

Sun Shine City

Toy Boat

Unique New York

Mixed Biscuits

Red Leather, Yellow Leather

The Boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:

"I'm afraid he died last week. " she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss."I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"" Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it".

105 ways to confuse a roommate

1. When talking to your roommate, alternate the pitch of your voice.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

3. Twitch a lot.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5. Buy a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

6. Become a subgenius.

7. Pretend to type in the middle of the air. Complain about how slow the computer has been recently.

8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

9. Speak in tongues.

10. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

12. Spend all your money on Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

13. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man, "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

15. Carry an unplugged phone around your room pretending to talk to people.

16. Carry old orange juice around with you everywhere you go.

17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

20. Move your mouth when you're silent and move your mouth as little as possible when you talk.

21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

22. Eat only lemons. Every five minutes, offer your roommate a lemon.

23. Whenever your roommate turns your way, begin frowning.

24. Smile. All the time.

25. Cover up your mouht before talking to anyone.

26. Write your roommate's name in big print on hundreds of pages of paper. Leave pages all over the room. If she asks about it, say you didn't write it.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

29. Apoligze to your roommate. If he asks why, tell him that he should know better than you.

30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.


34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

35. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and complaining.


36. Leave a marble in your roommate's bed every day.

37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

39. Paint your half of the room black.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

41. Shave one eyebrow.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

43. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and complaining.


44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

45. Always flush the toilet three times.

46. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me."



47. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

49. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.

50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

51. Cry a lot.

52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's Email.

53. Talk to yourself loudly in front of your roommate. After a while, begin discussing your roommate with yourself.

54. Complain of having a terrible virus in your system and cough at your roommate frequently.

55. Tell your roommate that it's your birthday--every day.

56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.

57. Take your roommate's pillow and put a water ballon inside of it.

58. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.

59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

60. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.


61. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.


62. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.


63. Follow him/her around on weekends.

64. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

65. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

66. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

67. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

68. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.

69. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.

70. Let mice loose in his/her room.

71. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.

72. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.

73. Skip to the bathroom.

74. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.

75. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foiliage.

76. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.

77. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.

78. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.

79. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.

80. Ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.

81. Constantly slip and fall--on your carpet.

82. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

83. Invite your roommate to sleepover.

84. Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.

85. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

86. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate commets, pretend not to hear anything.


87. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"


88. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."


89. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

90. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, they, were here again."

91. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.

92. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

93. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.

94. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Where am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.

95. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."

96. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.

97. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

98. Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rots.


99. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

100. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

101. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."

102. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.

103. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

104. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"

105. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.

Reasons to allow drinking at work

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

All of life annoyances

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.

...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.

...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.

...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.

...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.

...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.

...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

Lost And Found

There is a storm in my heart
It tears my inside apart
I am bleeding and I am hurt
Like a wingless little bird

Then it turns dark
And for a moment I see
The pain that was inside of me
And on a journey I embark

In search of answers
In search of truth
In search of understanding
In search of you

My guiding star in darkness
Like a little stream in the desert
Everything about you seems flawless
But that is what causes the hurt

Your perfect features do not belong to me
You do not deserve my chains
You need to live and see
What it means to be free

So spread your wings and fly away
For I can not fulfill your dream
But if you should fall one day
I'll guide you and be that little stream

So go and discover it all
And know that wherever you go
Whatever you do and might feel
The only thing you need to do is call

My Sweetheart

So often when I am embracing you,
It seems that you exist in this world
only because of me and I exist because of you.

It's not easy to wander in this world
and not lose one's way,
but the greatest happiness of all
is in giving joy to one's beloved.

And if the king can have his throne,
and if the bird can have his Spring nest,
and God can have his heaven,
then I, my sweetheart, I can have you!


- Jonathan Townsend

Love Poem To A Hot Dog

Oh thou frankfurt between a bun,
Why dost thou cause me so much fun?
I love thee for breakfast for lunch and for tea
I love thee in between times, constantly.
Tho' thy quality varies from New York to Rome,
Thou art there late at night for me to take home.
Thy savs are as red as my true love's lips
Thou art a sexual experience, without any hips.
Why don't they serve thee for holy communion,
A bite of the hot god for ecstatic union?
I eat thee for sustenance courage and thrills,
With or without mustard sauce or frills,
And my rampant appetite thou always appeaseth,
With or without mustard sauce or cheeseeth,
And a seven course dinner I never lack -
A hot dog and the old six pack.
Tho' thy tendency is to leap from the bun,
The butter to melt and the sauce to run,
My mouth is there to catch as catch can,
I bite thee off and man oh man,
When thou art gone I feel satisfied,
I love thee so much I get very tongue tied!
As the Buddhist monk said when he bought one to sing -
"Make me one.....with everything!"

Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong.
Who's not afraid to admit when he is wrong

One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,
Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Know what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?

"One who'll make love till my body's a' itchin'
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen.

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never compare me to my best friend.

Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait,
For I know you will send him before it's too late.

Amen

If you get caught sleeping at your desk

1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.

4. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

7. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.

9. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

10. The coffee machine is broken.