Dolly Pumpin

2008-02-08T13:43:00.000+02:00

One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer?"

She said "Yes.""

OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.

_____________________________________________________________________

Try saying these 10 times fast...

Caution Golfers Crossing

Sun Shine City

Toy Boat

Unique New York

Mixed Biscuits

Red Leather, Yellow Leather

The Boss

2008-02-01T15:40:00.000+02:00

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:

"I'm afraid he died last week. " she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss."I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"" Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it".

105 ways to confuse a roommate

2007-11-23T14:20:00.000+02:00

1. When talking to your roommate, alternate the pitch of your voice.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

3. Twitch a lot.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5. Buy a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

6. Become a subgenius.

7. Pretend to type in the middle of the air. Complain about how slow the computer has been recently.

8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

9. Speak in tongues.

10. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

12. Spend all your money on Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

13. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man, "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

15. Carry an unplugged phone around your room pretending to talk to people.

16. Carry old orange juice around with you everywhere you go.

17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

20. Move your mouth when you're silent and move your mouth as little as possible when you talk.

21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

22. Eat only lemons. Every five minutes, offer your roommate a lemon.

23. Whenever your roommate turns your way, begin frowning.

24. Smile. All the time.

25. Cover up your mouht before talking to anyone.

26. Write your roommate's name in big print on hundreds of pages of paper. Leave pages all over the room. If she asks about it, say you didn't write it.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

29. Apoligze to your roommate. If he asks why, tell him that he should know better than you.

30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.

34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

35. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and complaining.

36. Leave a marble in your roommate's bed every day.

37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

39. Paint your half of the room black.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

41. Shave one eyebrow.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

43. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and complaining.

44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

45. Always flush the toilet three times.

46. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me."

47. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

49. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.

50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

51. Cry a lot.

52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's Email.

53. Talk to yourself loudly in front of your roommate. After a while, begin discussing your roommate with yourself.

54. Complain of having a terrible virus in your system and cough at your roommate frequently.

55. Tell your roommate that it's your birthday--every day.

56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.

57. Take your roommate's pillow and put a water ballon inside of it.

58. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.

59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

60. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.

61. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

62. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.

63. Follow him/her around on weekends.

64. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

65. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

66. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

67. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

68. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.

69. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.

70. Let mice loose in his/her room.

71. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.

72. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.

73. Skip to the bathroom.

74. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.

75. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foiliage.

76. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.

77. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.

78. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.

79. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.

80. Ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.

81. Constantly slip and fall--on your carpet.

82. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

83. Invite your roommate to sleepover.

84. Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.

85. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

86. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate commets, pretend not to hear anything.

87. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"

88. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."

89. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

90. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, they, were here again."

91. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.

92. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

93. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.

94. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Where am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.

95. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."

96. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.

97. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

98. Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rots.

99. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

100. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

101. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."

102. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.

103. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

104. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"

105. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.

Reasons to allow drinking at work

2007-11-19T09:47:00.000+02:00

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

All of life annoyances

2007-11-15T10:09:00.000+02:00

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.

...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.

...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.

...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.

...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.

...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.

...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

Lost And Found

2007-09-17T17:55:00.000+02:00

There is a storm in my heart
It tears my inside apart
I am bleeding and I am hurt
Like a wingless little bird

Then it turns dark
And for a moment I see
The pain that was inside of me
And on a journey I embark

In search of answers
In search of truth
In search of understanding
In search of you

My guiding star in darkness
Like a little stream in the desert
Everything about you seems flawless
But that is what causes the hurt

Your perfect features do not belong to me
You do not deserve my chains
You need to live and see
What it means to be free

So spread your wings and fly away
For I can not fulfill your dream
But if you should fall one day
I'll guide you and be that little stream

So go and discover it all
And know that wherever you go
Whatever you do and might feel
The only thing you need to do is call

My Sweetheart

2007-09-06T10:26:00.000+02:00

So often when I am embracing you,
It seems that you exist in this world
only because of me and I exist because of you.

It's not easy to wander in this world
and not lose one's way,
but the greatest happiness of all
is in giving joy to one's beloved.

And if the king can have his throne,
and if the bird can have his Spring nest,
and God can have his heaven,
then I, my sweetheart, I can have you!

- Jonathan Townsend

Love Poem To A Hot Dog

2007-08-21T12:10:00.000+02:00

Oh thou frankfurt between a bun,
Why dost thou cause me so much fun?
I love thee for breakfast for lunch and for tea
I love thee in between times, constantly.
Tho' thy quality varies from New York to Rome,
Thou art there late at night for me to take home.
Thy savs are as red as my true love's lips
Thou art a sexual experience, without any hips.
Why don't they serve thee for holy communion,
A bite of the hot god for ecstatic union?
I eat thee for sustenance courage and thrills,
With or without mustard sauce or frills,
And my rampant appetite thou always appeaseth,
With or without mustard sauce or cheeseeth,
And a seven course dinner I never lack -
A hot dog and the old six pack.
Tho' thy tendency is to leap from the bun,
The butter to melt and the sauce to run,
My mouth is there to catch as catch can,
I bite thee off and man oh man,
When thou art gone I feel satisfied,
I love thee so much I get very tongue tied!
As the Buddhist monk said when he bought one to sing -
"Make me one.....with everything!"

Bedtime Prayer

2007-08-10T09:53:00.000+02:00

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong.
Who's not afraid to admit when he is wrong

One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,
Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Know what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?

"One who'll make love till my body's a' itchin'
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen.

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never compare me to my best friend.

Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait,
For I know you will send him before it's too late.

Amen

If you get caught sleeping at your desk

2007-08-03T11:26:00.001+02:00

1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.

4. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

7. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.

9. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

10. The coffee machine is broken.

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

2007-07-19T10:22:00.000+02:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

~ ROBERT FROST (1874-1963)

2007-07-09T16:14:00.000+02:00

If you're stressed, here are some comments you can use to help articulate your mood to others...

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?

3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

7. Do I look like a fucking people person?

8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

12. You! Off my planet!

13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.

20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

22. And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.

25. Allow me to introduce my selves.

26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

28. Better living through denial.

29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

61. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!

62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

63. Earth is full. Go home.

64. Is it time for your medication or mine?

65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

67. I plead contemporary insanity.

68. And which dwarf are you?

69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

2007-06-29T19:11:00.000+02:00

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.

"While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

Wrong E-mail Address

2007-06-26T09:11:00.000+02:00

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

2007-06-18T14:44:00.001+02:00

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.

"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second.

"I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.

"The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Memo From Accounting Department

2007-06-15T16:00:00.000+02:00

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,

Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code Description
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
6969 Beating off in Broom Closet
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail
8102 Laughing while reading e-mail

The diet breakfast

2007-06-12T14:28:00.000+02:00

BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
rest of the package of Oreo cookies
1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge

DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the calories don't count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and not ones of personal fuel.

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest:

You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you.

At Your Lowest:

You require a lot of attention and praise.

In Love:

You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are.

How You're Attractive:

You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic.

Your Eternal Question:

"Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's Your Power Color?

Tagged

2007-06-06T16:17:00.000+02:00

I was tagged by Unnaked

--------------------------------------------------
Rules are:
* Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
* People who are tagged need to write posts in their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
* At the end of your post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
---------------------------------------------------

I'm a good procastinator

I watch too much movies

I spend waaay past my budget

I can't swim

I love scary movies

I don't like honey

I spend too much time on the internet

I day dream

I'm tagging
Jaybabe
Nkem
Temmtayo
Delilah3
Ijeoma
Pink Satin
Lindaikeji
Queenb
___________________________________________________________

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. Ifthat's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROMLIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doingthat now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Pig Breeding

2007-05-31T10:54:00.000+02:00

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

2007-05-25T17:45:00.000+02:00

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

How To Beat A Speeding Ticket

2007-05-22T18:38:00.002+02:00

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

Clever news repoter

2007-05-18T16:46:00.000+02:00

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Paris Hilton Exclusive Jail Sentence Interview

2007-05-17T10:57:00.000+02:00

Interviewed by Biff Scuzzy

LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton has been sentenced to forty-five days in a county jail for violating the terms of her drunk-driving probation by operating a motor vehicle with a suspended license.
The twenty-six-year-old celebutant, who showed up fifteen minutes late for her scheduled court appearance yesterday, has until June 5 to report to the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood, California.After spending two hours in court, and hearing herself called "a helpless, wonky-eyed twit" by her own defense attorney, Ms. Hilton was driven to an undisclosed location where she spoke with Postcards' legal correspondent Biff Scuzzy, who had recently completed a thirty-day stint in a California detox center.

Biff Scuzzy: So, Paris, are you worried about the prospect of wearing nothing but orange for a month and a half?
Paris Hilton: Month and a half? I thought I was sentenced to forty-five days. I'm being prostituted just for being famous, aren't I?

BS: No, darling. A month and a half is the same as forty-five days.
PH: It is? How do you figure that? I never did get that metric stuff.

BS: Trust me. Now about the orange.
PH: What orange?

BS: The orange jumpsuit.
PH: What jumpsuit?

BS: The one you have to wear all the time in jail.
PH: All the time? I never wear the same thing more than twice. How do they expect me to live like that?

BS: It's jail, darling. Not Club Ivy. You have to wear what they give you, and what they give you is an orange jumpsuit.
PH: You mean I don't get to take my own clothes? I was going to go shopping for some new summer things to take to, you know, wherever it is I'm going. Some nice two-piece outfits and three or four dozen summer dresses.

BS: Save your money, honey. The clothes are on the Hotel California.
PH: Oh. Bummer. I do look hot in orange though. I have a lot of orange in my closets. Bikinis, thongs, blouses.

BS: Are you worried about the way you'll be treated by the other inmates?
PH: What are inmates?

BS: The other people in jail.
PH: Oh no. I'm sure we'll all get along just fine. They can help me decorate my room. We can have sleepovers at night, and during the day we can go shopping online and get high colonics and stuff.

BS: Paris, I don't know how to break this to you, but jail doesn't provide high colonics.
PH: They don't? How do they stay healthy? What if I get a note from my doctor?

BS: No dice, sister. The only high colonic you might get will be from some diesel dyke wielding a bottle of Poland Springs water. I'd forget about having my own room, too, if I were you.
PH: I won't have my own room?

BS: No. You'll have to share a cell with another woman.
PH: A cell phone? What other woman? My cell phone got hacked once, you know.

BS: A cell is a small enclosure about ten by twelve feet. That's where you live when you're not scrubbing dishes or mopping floors. The other woman is a person who has also been put in jail for breaking the law.
PH: Oh. Ten by twelve isn't very big. My sunglasses closets are bigger than that. Can't I pay for an upgrade or something? Hospitals have private rooms.

BS: Afraid not, sweetpea.
PH: Do I get to pick my roommate at least?

BS: (growing irritated) Nope.
PH: But what if I get somebody, you know, really gross, like that trailer-trash Britney Spears?

BS: You want to be careful about using terms like "trailer trash" in prison.
PH: Why? Are there, like, lots of poor people or something?

BS: More than you can shake a stick at—or that will be shaking sticks at you. There are also lots of people of color.
PH: That's OK. I get along well with all my maids and servants, and most of them are colored people.

BS: (exasperatedly) It's people of color, Paris, not colored people. You want to get that straight. It's important.
PH: Oh damn. That's a lot to have to learn just because nobody told me I couldn't drive with a suspended license. What am I gonna do?

BS: I'd suggest prayer, honey. Lots of prayer.

Charity indeed

2007-05-16T10:00:00.000+02:00

Greetings Dear Friend,

Compliments of the day to you and your family. I am very sorry to embarrass you with this email as I did not mean to intrude in your privacy if not for the peculiar situation I have found myself. I have contacted you because of your resume as I believe you have what it takes to carry out the request I seek of you. I am currently suffering from a terminal disease called Hepatitis B and my doctors have informed me that I have a few months to live and I want to try and do something special with my life now that the end is near.

I do not mean to make you feel bad or feel sorry for me but I believe I can make an impact in this world before I pass on as I am now a born again Christian.

Before I was diagnosed with the disease I was a very successful businessman who made a lot of money but also lived a very rough life filled with too much lust for women and more money. In the course of my illness my family members have bled me dry of nearly all my possessions and abandoned me to my fate. I presently have no friend or family as I am all alone in this hospital.
Luckily I have some money totaling two million five hundred thousand us dollars that I had stashed away in a finance facility somewhere in Europe and I would be willing to donate all of it to charity. All I want is for a foundation to be set up in my name so I would always be remembered for my good deeds in life after I pass on. If you are willing to assist you would get a handsome percentage of the money and also a place in heaven as God would abundantly reward you. Please get back to me ASAP so I can give you more details.

Thanks and God bless you.

Neilson Hylton

Fun things to do in Walmart

2007-05-11T09:26:00.000+02:00

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!"

5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"

8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in House wares," and see what happens.

9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

10. Play with the automatic doors.

11. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

12. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"

13. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

14. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

15. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

16. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

17. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

18. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

19. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

20. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

21. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

22. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

23. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

24. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

25. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

26. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

27. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

28. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

29. Take bets on the battle described above.

30. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

31. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

32. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

33. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

34. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

35. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

36. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

37. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

38. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

39. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation i.e.: "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions."

40. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

41. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

42. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

43. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good Bessie."

44. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

45. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

46. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

47. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

48. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

49. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."

50. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

51.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

52.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

53.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

54. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

55. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

56. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!